Just a little more

It is hard to believe some times that the choices we make in life impacts so much more on others than it does on ourselves. In the last couple of days, weeks, months i have discovered a little more about myself. There was a number of things that i did which i am not proud of. What seemed like protecting others ended up hurting myself and them even more. Was my actions called for? Haiz.. an answer which i know will hurt others even more.

As of late i have been getting chest pains again. I have not had chest pains for just a little over 4 years and suddenly it appears back in my life. I had a life threatening moment when i was younger. I was sitting for my O'levels back in '98. As would most life threatening moments people say your whole life would flash right before you, I saw that. If my dad had not found me in the hallway i think i would have passed out and died right there and then. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't afford too. It felt like one of my ribs broke and was pushed against my left lung and each breath i took my lungs felt like it was being pierced. I was taken to the hospital where they had to give me a shot to calm me down and put me to sleep. Over the years after that the chest pains came and went without any drama. It stopped for about 4 years with the occasional tightness of the chest when i was with angeline but that was it. I suppose now it has come back with the lights of what has been going on in the past months.

I don't know. Some times i wished i could just let go and not fight the pains each time it hit. I was almost tempted to just let go and let it overwhelm me and i pass out from the pain. I have been worrying over this thought.