Hi, I'm Andrew

Was just checking my mail and one of my regular xanga-subs came in from piggky blog. She had just taken this get to know yourself better test and just for the fun of it i went to try it out. The results was not exactly 100% accurate with the exception of a few which were spot on money. Do you know me well enough to know which of the results below are true about me?

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Beyonce - Listen

Have you ever googled your own name just out of curiosity just to find out what kind of results you would get. I did just that tonight even though i have already done it countless time out of boredom on days where i get a mental block. Tonight's search result came back some thing which i never expected at all, a blog. Nothing too special about that blog but it was what the author had published in his post on September 19th, 2008. That post and a particular one just before that one then suddenly i had a flash back of a particular day some one had asked me to listen (no pun intended) to this track by Beyonce - Listen from the OST of Dream Girls, which coincidentally was the feature film of HBO on Astro. A lot of things and words said by this person came back to me like a roaring storm. This is what you get after listening to the song over and over again.

For my first 2009 post i would like to share with you all this song.



Listen,
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But can't complete

Listen, to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning
To find release

Oh,
the time has come
for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own
all cause you won't
Listen....

[Chorus]
Listen,
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I'd thought had died
So long ago

Oh I'm screaming out, for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own
All cause you won't
Listen...

[Chorus]

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't....
If you won't....

LISTEN!!!...
To the song here in my heart
A melody I've start
But I will complete

Oh,
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice, you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..
my ownn...

Nicky Astria - Mengapa

Yes i have not been blogging much or rather at all. Comes with the perks of having a full time job. Excuses.

I was just clearing/sorting my bookmarks when one of them caught my eye; Nicky Astria - Mengapa lyrics. Suddenly a wave of hidden/bitter memories came rushing back in. I know of this girl who used to remind me of the song especially when she was sad and had a lot of unanswered questions and she would blast the song on her headsets. Ahh.. 2008 was full of unpleasant memories but not all of which were bitter. I am not sure if you still visit my blog but Jam (you know who you are) this is for you. I have not fogotten what you have wanted of me and who you wanted me to be and I have done good for myself ever since. Thank you for guiding me all this while even though it wasn't easy. Time will tell right? Always remember that when ever you're sad or just frustrated with the whole world you only have to reach out and i will catch you.




Artist: Nicky Astria
Song: Mengapa

Mengapa kau pergi
Mengapa kau kecewakan
Mengapa kau hancuri
Mengapa kau menghinakan
Mengapa kau sakiti
Mengapa kau melukakan
Mengapa kau memberi
Mengapa kau melupakan
Mengapa kau akhiri
Mengapa Kau Melupakan
Dengan getaran jiwa
Kukemukakan pertanyaan

Tak ingin kau pergi
Tak ingin kudikecewakan
Tak ingin cinta dinodai
Tak ingin dihancurkan

Tak ingin kudisakiti
Tak ingin kudilukakan
Tak ingin ku kau kuberi
Bila kau melupakan

Tak ingin ku di akhiri
Bila kau memuliakan dengan perasaan
Hampaku meminta jawaban

Reff#

Di kananku cinta penuh bermadu
Di kiriku racunmu
Kalimah sakti yang mana untukku
Dapat kau membuat pilihan
Agar kita dapat bersama

Kau..bisa membahagiakan menceriakan
Kau..bisa menggembirakan mempesonakan
Aku…ingin dicintaimu dan mencintai
Aku…ingin bila terjaga kau di sampingku S'lamanya

Semoga cinta bersemi
Semoga cintamu kan dekat padaku
Asmara kan mengundang
Tanpa mengira waktu bertahta di hatimu dan di hatiku

lyrics source: http://www.free-lyrics.org/Nicky-Astria/198860-Mengapa.html

我不配

Playing : 周杰倫- 我不配 (Jay Chou - I'm not worthy)
Track: 07
Album: On The Run

Omg it's 1.34am!

Been talking to Susan the whole night catching up on the "good" times we've had back in Melbourne. College years.. ahh sweet memories. The conversation then turned to breakups and puppy love where suddenly i remembered my break up with Shellisa. Looking back now i realised what a stupid fool i was to have not trusted her. Memories... The more we spoke the more we realised that we've done many great things in our lives and how much we've matured over the years. Here's an excerpt of the chat towards the end.

- Quote -
Susan says:
i believe if u wan smtg, then try ur best and if its works then great or else at least u knew nothing more could be done from u coz u did ur best

Susan says:
well...we always say what if

Susan says:
im like that too

Susan says:
but its the past, we cant go back and change that

Susan says:
so think abt now n future

Susan says:
or else u wont ever be ok

- End Quote -

The funny thing was that i answered her that i didn't have any if's anymore where she replied that i did and quoted the sentence back to me.

我不配 ~ The song that has been on repeat over and over for the last 10-15mins has a powerful meaning tonight. Shall make it my theme song for the rest of the month until all of this is sorted out. Not all of this... myself. Until i sort out myself. Time to evaluate yourself Andrew. It's time you did some thing about it.

The time now 2.06am

Wow... 12mins has passed and no one was rushing me to finish the post but yet took me a good half an hour to write this post. 2mins just passed since i wrote "The time now 2.06am". Slow down la can or not. Suddenly time is passing by so fast. Speaking of time, well to be precise the date, i never realised that my watch was a day behind. After dinner i popped over to Shell over at Desa Sri Hartamas to fill up Blue with petrol. As i was taking note of the millage on my last trip i wrote on the receipt the date i wrote the millage and then noticed the receipt date, i looked at my watch and i realised that my watch was a day late. Haha. So i have been a day late for the whole week now.

Now eyes are heaving and about to shut down my brain. I shall leave you with Jay's song. Good night..

周杰倫- 我不配
Jay Chou- wo bu pei (I'm not worthy)

歌词詞：方文山 (Vincent Fang)
曲：周杰倫 (Jay Chou)


这街上太拥挤
Zhe Jie shang tai yong ji
This street is too crowded

太多人有秘密
Tai duo ren you mi mi
Too many people with secrets

玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
bo li shang you wu qi zai bei yin chang qi guo qu
At the glass, there's the fog hidden from it

你脸上的情绪
Ni lian shang de qing xu
The sulky face of yours

在还原那场雨
Zai huan yuan na chang yu
Is completing that rain

这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里
Zhe xiang nong tai guo wan qu zou bu hui gu shi li
This street is simply too narrow to return to the story

这日子不再绿
Zhe ri zi bu zai lu
These days are not green anymore

又斑驳了几句
You ban bo le ji ju
Just a few word exchanges

剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
Sheng xia ban kong hui yi de wo zai da fang zi li
I'm left alone in the house, with half-filled memories

电影院的座椅
Dian ying yuan de zuo yi
The seats in the cinema

隔遥远的距离
Ge yao yuan de ju li
Are separated far by distance

感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋
Gan qing mei you dui shou shi ni gen zi ji xia qi
Feelings with no partner is a game of chess you played by yourself

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
hai lai bu ji zi zi xi xi xie xia ni de guan yu
it’s still too late to carefully write down your concern

描述我如何愛你
Miao shu wo ru he ai ni
Describing how I love you

你却微笑的离我而去
Ni que wei xiao de li wo er qu
Yet you leave me away with a smile


Chorus:

这感觉已经不对
Zhe gan jue yi jing bu dui
This feeling is not right anymore

我努力在挽回
Wo nu li zai wan hui
I tried hard to retrieve

一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
Yi xie xie ying gai ti tie de de gan jue wo mei gei
A bit feeling of care that I didn’t give

你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微
Ni de zui xu de yuan wang hen bei wei
The many wish from your lips is very petty and low

在妥协是我忽略
Zai tuo xie shi wo hu lue
I neglected to compromise it

你不过要人陪
Ni bu guo yao ren pei
However you want some company

哦这感觉已经不对
a zhe gan jue yi jing bu dui
ahh, This feeling is not right anymore

我最后才了解
Wo zui hou cai liao jie
I’m the last to understand

一页页不忍翻阅的情节
Yi ye ye bu ren fan yue de qing jie
Looking through the pages of circumstances which cannot be endured

你好累
Ni hao lei
You’re so tired

你默背为我掉过几次泪
Ni mo bei wei wo diao guo ci lei
You have silently cried behind my back for so many times

多憔悴
Duo qiao sui
So sallow

而我心碎你受罪你的美
er wo xin sui ni shou zui ni de mei
Yet my heart breaks and you accepted my sin, your beauty

我不配
Wo bu pei
I’m not worthy

Source: http://chinesemusicblog.com/forum/viewtopic.php?pid=52020

another day

I can't believe that my day has already ended just like that. I don't really know how i am feeling right now. I have Michael Buble playing my favourite song but instead of cheering me up it doesn't seem to have any effect on me tonight. Not like yesterday. I find that the more i listened to the songs the more i want to break down.

Walking on my own two feet will take a lot of "getting used" to and all the time wondering when this would end or when would everything be alright. Its a sickening feeling that i have to bear. Today i found myself constantly finding some thing to do to keep myself occupied so that i wouldn't suddenly burst into tears. Michael.. oh Michael.. why isn't your songs working for me tonight. I just feel horrible now.

I miss the moments. I miss not being able to wake up in the mornings and have a purpose to start the day. I miss not being able to say see you soon and not good bye. I miss not being able to just there and not do anything. I miss most is Andrew. I wish we all had our very own personal time keeper and a machine to go back just once to save ourselves in the past from making the mistake. But if had saved ourselves from this... would we be the same person we are today? Would all this be going on from that point of change? Would i really be sitting here now writing this.

I'm sorry Michael, your songs tonight just don't bring any happiness to me.

Have i really lost myself?

Oh where has my heart and soul drifted too in the last couple of days. I have been waking up every day feeling lost and without a purpose. Have i become so selfish to myself that i refuse to wake up and pick myself up? Have i really become that lost that i can't even see the right path anymore? That's how my last couple of days has been. For some reason i had the urge to write my thoughts out. Maybe it's the slow jazz that's playing right now. It has been too long since i sat down to enjoy, i mean REALLY enjoy, slow jazz with a touch of blue's into the whole mix. A lot of warm feelings are coming back to me now as i sit here drifting away into my thoughts with the calm voice of Michael Buble singing my favourite song "That's All". Yeah this song always does it to me. I don't know, its just the way he sings the song that really puts you in this mood where you forget everything else that is going on around you.


I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.
~Michael Buble - That's All

It's one of those songs where it makes you wish you hadn't left the place where you were suppose to be at. It puts you into this warm gentle feeling where you can picture yourself at home on a calm chilly night in front of the fire place with a nice hot cup of coffee with slow jazz playing softly in the background, flipping through photo albums and journals as you try to remember the exact feeling you had in that picture. Soon you find yourself filled with warm tears as you start to recall back to the special moments you had like how i am now. Only that this time, those tears are dry.

As much as i want to drift into that feeling, i find myself facing reality. That was once a life that i had lived back when i was in Melbourne. A lot of people said i had changed when i came back from Melbourne, became more "Ang Mo" so they claimed. Then again who are they to claim that? Who are they to me and I to them? Who is Andrew Jee today?

Let me tell you who Andrew Jee is today. He's a selfish, lying, heartless and mean person. He was never like this before. It hurts to know that his actions in the last months has hurt so many people. A lot of things which he could have avoided if he had just told the truth but instead he choose to deal with it by lying through his teeth. He was the one who had a good life and messed it up and blamed others when he had himself to be blamed as he made the mistakes. I am ashamed to know that i was that Andrew in the last couple of months. Here I am sitting writing this with Michael Buble trying desperately to calm me down so that my chest doesn't hurt. It's like a million mix emotions are going through me right now that caused the chest pains. I want to drift back into that warm feeling but i can't. I want to cry because i had messed up my life yet again. I want to scold myself for allowing myself to drift so far away from who i was. As hard as i try to make up for everything by telling the truth i find myself having to explain myself even more. I find myself in moments where i want to just collapse and give up. I find myself wanting to exploded. I want to scream. I want to shout. I want to just let it all out, but i can't. Bottle all that up and that is exactly how i feel right now. Andrew Jee what has become of you? Why aren't you the happy person anymore where you could just drift back into the warm memories. Memories where it was to be the future you wanted for yourself.

Probably one of the reasons why i had stopped writing for the last couple of months. I was angry with myself. I still am and i can't even find it in my own self to forgive myself and get up. Get up and be strong again. To have faith in myself. I lost my dreams. I lost my life. I lost myself. No matter what i did or tried to avoid, my actions seems to get me into trouble. What happened Andrew? What happened? Snap out of it will you?

Snap out of it...

----------------------------
Artist: Michael Buble
Title: That's All

I can only give you love that lasts forever.
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all...

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore.
That's all,
That's all.

Just a little more

It is hard to believe some times that the choices we make in life impacts so much more on others than it does on ourselves. In the last couple of days, weeks, months i have discovered a little more about myself. There was a number of things that i did which i am not proud of. What seemed like protecting others ended up hurting myself and them even more. Was my actions called for? Haiz.. an answer which i know will hurt others even more.

As of late i have been getting chest pains again. I have not had chest pains for just a little over 4 years and suddenly it appears back in my life. I had a life threatening moment when i was younger. I was sitting for my O'levels back in '98. As would most life threatening moments people say your whole life would flash right before you, I saw that. If my dad had not found me in the hallway i think i would have passed out and died right there and then. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't afford too. It felt like one of my ribs broke and was pushed against my left lung and each breath i took my lungs felt like it was being pierced. I was taken to the hospital where they had to give me a shot to calm me down and put me to sleep. Over the years after that the chest pains came and went without any drama. It stopped for about 4 years with the occasional tightness of the chest when i was with angeline but that was it. I suppose now it has come back with the lights of what has been going on in the past months.

I don't know. Some times i wished i could just let go and not fight the pains each time it hit. I was almost tempted to just let go and let it overwhelm me and i pass out from the pain. I have been worrying over this thought.